Everything is Not OK

Everything Is Not Ok
Image by Art Bar Blog. Shared with permission. 

I’ve been struggling to find my voice ever since returning from my November trip to Dubai. There’s no doubt in my mind that being in the United Arab Emirates for the 2016 election will forever remain one of the most surreal experiences of my life. I’ve always taken certain things for granted, and as those realities begin to feel less stable, my anxiety has been shooting through the roof. I feel frozen. Sometimes I daydream about getting on a plane back to the Middle East in hopes of once again traveling through whatever wormhole delivered me to this rancid, tangent universe.

Most of the people who find this space don’t know who I am, and probably don’t care. They make their way to a recipe by clicking through a link on Pinterest, Facebook, or wherever. Casual visitors won’t care about my political world views or my anxieties. But I’ve been posting in this space since 2009, and I know there are at least a few of you out there who might wonder why I went radio silent, especially right after publishing a book. What can I say? I don’t feel compelled to share cookie recipes right now. It feels incredibly meaningless. I felt the same way toward the end of last year, but I had contractual obligations with companies I love working with, and I still do. I’m going to do my job. I have sponsored posts coming up soon, which is why I’m writing out my thoughts now, however disjointed they appear. On one hand I’m not ready to communicate my feelings yet. I’m still processing this. Every day there is something new and horrible to process. On the other hand, it feels way too uncomfortable for me to suddenly reappear with sponsored content after being gone all month without at the very least acknowledging the horrors that are going on right now with our newly elected president. I don’t want this blog to turn into a zone filled with nothing but sponsored content.  You don’t want that, companies I work with certainly don’t want that… I’d like there to be more posts in between for obvious reasons, but I’m not there right now. Soon, I hope.

Up until my Dubai post, I’ve always kept my political views separate from this space. But I can’t do that anymore. Not when so much is on the line. Nothing I write here is going to change what’s happening, but the time for silence and complacency is over.

I am trying to find hope, happy moments, and things to laugh at. Anything. There are a few glimmers of light here and there, but it’s mostly very dim. It would be great for this to become a space that brings me joy again, because I think we could all use a bit of joy in our lives right now. But if it’s not in my heart, it won’t translate to anything here, so there’s no point. I’m working on it. But I’m still mostly drowning in a sea of anxiety and sadness.

I’m so sad.

Hopefully, when the history books are written, this chapter about our country will be brief and it will have a happy ending.